WEIGHTING For My Life to Begin When I am Thin.

I have been reading a few blogs recently written by plus size girls, talking of how happy they are with their bodies, wearing whatever they want, eating whatever they want and actually loving themselves and life regardless of their size. As someone who has been overweight all of my life a part of me wishes that I could feel the same way about myself. I’ve spent as long as I can remember self loathing and hating the way I look, never feeling good enough, wishing I was someone else. 

I have always told myself that when I get thin everything will be great, I will be happy all the time, have lots of friends, everyone will fancy me, I can wear what I want and look great and life in general will just be better. But why should I have to wait until I am thin? What if I never am thin? Am I going to be miserable forever?

I remember the first time I realised I was fat, I was in year 6, so 10 years old and everyone at school was wearing cream cargo trousers and I wanted a pair. One sunny saturday morning my mum let me go to town for the first time on my own, handing me 20 pounds to buy myself something. She asked what I was going to get myself and I replied telling her cargo trousers from Tammy Girl. My mum told me that I wouldn’t be able to get the cargo trousers from there because I was a bit bigger than everyone else and stuff from there wouldn’t fit me. I can remember thinking in my head “what are you talking about”. Anyway off I went into town, into Tammy Girl, into the changing room with the beloved cream cargo trousers and surprise surprise they didn’t fit. I think I’ve always been aware that I love food and I was chubby, but this was the first time it effected me as far as ‘fitting in’ and I just knew from that point on, I was different.

As a fat person I think society thinks you have to and should be down about yourself, its like a deformity. The butt of the jokes in films, ridiculed, quick easy laughs for comedians and never portrayed in any kind of media as anything positive. So then of course as a fat person, a fat child in particular, you feel the need to make fun of yourself before someone else does. Learning to put yourself down at an early age as a form of protection because society sends out a message that being fat is ugly, wrong and shameful. When you get older the taunting stops, but you still can’t be happy because then the little voices pop up in your head – didn’t get a job? It’s because you are fat. Sales assistant looks at you funny in an expensive shop? Of course, you are fat and you don’t deserve nice things. Go on a night out with girlfriends and you are the only one not to be chatted up? Of course, why would anyone fancy a fat person?

Feeling attractive to the opposite sex is a particularly tough one for fat people. If you’ve grown up being fat then you most certainly know that no-one fancies fat people, except other fat people. Then when someone finally does fancy you, you worry they are ashamed of you. Mr Glam always tells me how gorgeous I am and how he thinks I have a great body. But still to this day, even though we are married, I just don’t believe he is telling the truth, he cant be. Who would find fat old me attractive?

After 25 years of self loathing, I am tired. I am tired of weighting (see what I did there!) to be thin so my life can begin and be great. And who says its going to be that great being thin anyway? I might loose my boobs and they’re my greatest achievement. So taking inspiration from these girls, I am going to try to be more positive about myself. I’m not saying that I want to be fat still, because I don’t, but I don’t want to be thin either. I want to be HEALTHY, both physically and mentally. I want to be able to wear something and think that I do look great. I want to be able to order whatever I want in a restaurant and not worry about what I think the waitress is thinking about my order. I want to be happy and have a wonderful life now. So that’s what I am going to do and you should too. Just like the Ancient Mayan Prophet Christina Auguilera foretold, you are beautiful no matter what they say!

xo Emma.

Glam housewife looking good in Las Vegas

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